Monday, June 25, 2012

#7 - Darren Criss

Yes, another Glee-hole.  First of all, buy some pants that fit you!  Man-pris were NEVER cool.  Second of all, lose the bow tie.  It might have been cute the first 145 times you wore it, but it's overkill now.  Are you trying to be Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz??!!  Third, lose the ass-face you make while you are singing.  You look like you're taking a shit every time you open your stupid mouth.  I have no idea how you're even famous, you make me feel like I want to punch you in the face.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

#6 - Matthew Morrison

I must start this out by saying that I am a big fan of Glee. However, as of late I have so badly wanted to punch Will Schuester in the face. He is always trying to say something deep & meaningful but most of the time it comes across as too contrived and more like it belongs in a Lifetime movie than on a primetime teen series. Nobody has that many personal epiphanies on a daily basis. Nobody. So get your head out of your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself, ad don't stop believing that I want to punch you in the face Matthew Morrison.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

#5 - Jimmy Fallon

Now don't get me wrong - I used to think he was kinda funny. Used to. Back in 1998. When he was a "featured player" on SNL. Back when he could keep a straight face through an entire skit, or at least part of one. Before he had this pretentious attitude. Now he thinks he's the funniest man alive. I'm here to tell him, "You're NOT that funny anymore!". No one thought it was funny when you & Horatio Sanz burst into laughter during every skit you were in. Never taking anything seriously loses its appeal after about 20 minutes. And you're definitely no Conan. So get rid of that $#!t-eating grin, sit down, shut the hell up & let me punch you in the face!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

#4 - Jennifer Love Hewitt

Here's a bitch that is screaming to have her teeth knocked out. The quirky, oh-so-sweet, girl next-door. She also thinks she's a LOT hotter than she actually is. She may have been cute 15 years ago, but I stopped buying her sob story shortly after that. Every friggin' project this girl does she WHINES!!! And then she tried to make "sexy face", which no-one can take seriously because you're the "quirky, sweet, girl next-door". Hey, don't complain - you type-cast yourself into that one. And now, to top it off, she's whispering to ghosts. Leave that to Patricia Arquette sweetie - she's much better at it. If I die & need to use a medium to communicate something, you bet your ass it's not going to be you! And can you choose a weight please??!! Back & forth between rail thin & heffer - Check please to this party of 5 punches in your face.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

#3 - Jennifer Lopez

Seriously though, who does this bitch think she is? Who gives themselves a separate "gangsta" name? I'll tell you who -- people who aren't gangsta. She has tried her hand & has sucked at everything. Singing: Speaking words on different notes does not constitute singing. Acting: My favorite scene is when she dies in Selena. Perfume: Gag. I'd rather smell like a skunk. Waiting for tonight, when I can punch you in the face.

#2 - Gary LeVox

The lead singer of Rascal Flatts, and a winy SOB. He has the hair of a 13 year old and the neck fat of a 400 lb man. But one of the biggest problems I have with him is that he can't decide what genre he's trying to present himself as. Is he country? Is he rock? Is he pop? Enough of this attempt at a crossover crap!! You're a country bumpkin -- Own it. Life is a highway, I want to punch you in the face all night long.

#1 - LeAnn Rimes

First on my list is LeAnn Rimes. Now I'm sure she's a very nice girl, but even when she was only 14 years old, I wanted to smack her. Something about her just makes you want to punch her in the face. Maybe it's that her head is WAAAYYY too big for her body. Maybe it's that she has the mouth of a horse. Maybe it's that she looks Japanese sometimes, and isn't Japanese at all. Who knows. But she's first. How do I live without punching you in the face?